My Rage Page

All movie goers and gamers rage. In fact, everybody rages, about every topic. Because I try my hardest to keep my reviews seemingly professional,  I will rage here for your own enjoyment every time I feel like raging to the public. Feel free to rage about anything in the comments, but keep it clean.

Rage Segment #28: “I Have a Question”

When somebody raises their hand and is called on by the teacher, I get ticked off when the first thing that comes from their idiot mouth is, “I have a question.” No crap you have a question! What other reason is there for raising your hand!? You’re not going to ask to use the bathroom. That’s why we have hall passes. You’re clearly breathing. It’s not a medical issue. So why do you have to start with the idiot statement of “I have a question?” When you raise your hand, it is implied that you have a question. You people who do that are such ignorant oafs I cannot even express my anger. Yeah, lets all describe our activities before we do them. Before I buy a movie ticket, I’ll tell the lady, “Hi, I’m here to see a movie.” That’s how brainless your statement is. Before I take a bite out of my pasta, I’ll say, “I am going to take a bite out of my pasta.” Before I turn on the TV, I’ll yell, “I am going to turn on the TV.” After I receive the blanket I asked for, I’ll say, “Thank you. I’m cold.” Learn how to speak, please. It scares me that you are the next generation of lawyers and businessmen. Do you guys understand where I’m coming from? Do you understand why I’m so angry? Maybe this sounds like I’m exaggerating, but to me, I’m not. These “I have a question” people drive me nuts.

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Rage Segment #27: The Call of Duty “Community”

The Call of Duty Community is the idiot name that people call the people who play Call of Duty. The last time I checked, communities live in balance. The people who play COD are not a community. They are whining six year olds and raging thick-skulled idiots. I cannot just get on the damn game without some unpubitized kid complaining every time I get a good shot on him. I cannot play a match without some idiot jumping off of cliffs and buildings trying to land a trick shot. I can’t just play the game without some high-pitched voice screaming in my ear or broadcasting music. You idiots. Do you think that I want to hear Eminem or Metallica over your cheap headset? Do you have some indication that anyone wants to hear you rage about how he’s a modder and a hacker? Every time you are killed MOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MOD!!!!!!!!!!!! HACKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No! You just suck at the game! You suck at the game and you have no other outlet for your anger. So you blame things that aren’t there. You got killed! There’s no need to spew your vulgar vocabulary over the mic every time your character dies. Nobody wants to hear your pathetic complaints about your pathetic game. I want to play. And for you braindead players who are trying to land quads and collaterals and no scopes. Get off the damn game. I want to play a match where the players are playing the game, not jumping from heights and spinning around to get a good clip for Youtube. You all ruin the game for everybody else. Not only are you not an asset to your team, but you’re worthless. Junk. Might as well not be in the match at all. Then there are the guys who get into a lobby and start talking trash to a random person in the lobby. What makes you numb skulled monkeys think that you have a right to do that. Just because you can’t see the person, or know the person, you can suddenly call him out and talk to him like he’s trash? Every match there’s a person that’s verbally pummeling another for no reason. You idiots who infest the game, allow me to tell you what I think. All the people who abuse your mics, break them and shove them up wherever you please. You trickshotters who play only S&D in clans and go for your Youtube clips, how about you actually jump off a cliff in real life. Be sure to be holding your controller, and maybe have your capture card with you. The world will want to see your amazing trickshot uploaded to Youtube. And you six year olds who play the game? Break the disc. Burn it. Put it in a time capsule. You have no right to be playing with people while you have no scrap of hair anywhere but your head and a voice that isn’t even five feet deep into the pool. Not only are your parents blind for purchasing the M-rated game for you while you still need them to chew your food for you and change your diaper, but they decide to blame society. They say that this game should not have so much blood and vulgar language and killing. And yet they are the idiots buying the game for you. They are the ones poisoning your untouched-by-hormone mind. So after you break the disc you should have never begged grandma to purchase, go inform your parents about their stupidity. The people who play Call of Duty who I have listed above are the scum that pollutes the game. Filth. No wonder people hate Call of Duty online. It’s full of idiots and infants. Call of Duty deserves the reputation. Or Infinity Ward should just ban anyone who has a voice that sounds like Dora’s or who brings the Bronx language onto the mic. But, if they did that, there would only be a couple hundred left.

This is the age most of these idiots are at. Why do their parents allow them to play this game? I do not know. Why do they get on the mic and speak? I do not know. Pathetic.

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Rage Segment #26: Captain America

I was asked to Rage about this, and I usually don’t take Rage Segment requests. I don’t Rage about things I don’t actually get mad at. BUT. This is something I actually feel strongly about. Captain America. Let me get this straight before I say anything bad about him. I don’t hate his character. Chris Evans plays him well and gets the leadership aspect of him correct. Captain America is just as well acted as the rest of the team. The thing is, he is so LAME. Hulk can turn green and smash things, Iron Man has high-tech armor, Thor has a legendary hammer…Captain America has a shield. That he throws. There is a part in the movie where he is unable to get to his shield. What does he do? Pick up a gun. When he loses the gun? Picks up a piece of rubble and threw it at the enemy gunman. He talks like he’s an elderly man, which makes sense, I know. I just don’t like it. He reeks of corn and cheese. His suit. Really? His character is a joke. A strong guy with a shield doesn’t fit in with the rest of these heroes. I hate my repetition of the word ‘lame,’ but it’s perfect for describing Cap. I found out why he seems so uninteresting. He has no inner conflict or superpower side-effects. Hulking out causes obvious issues, Iron Man almost died of blood intoxication in Iron Man 2, Thor had to deal with arrogance and responsibility for the hammer, Black Widow feels that she owes debts, and Renner isn’t in a good spot in the Avengers. Captain America? No problems. He is so basic. He has no weakness. No side-effects to becoming this super-strong guy. Even though he has the corniest of costumes, he is the least like a true hero, who has issues and conflicts. He had it pretty easy in this movie. After all, he was in a time period where he didn’t know anyone or have anything to live for. Yep, I went there. Captain America is just uninteresting, and everyone knows that no conflict=no interest. There were some scenes where Cap shined, however. There was a part when he orders the cops to set a perimeter on certain streets in New York. Because that’s where he’s from, he knew the streets. I found that very cool. He was the unofficial leader towards the end, but he is still unexciting. I don’t think I’ll ever change my mind about Cap. He’s more corny that the Mid-West.

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Rage Segment #25: The American Idol Judges

How terrible these judges are, in every aspect, I cannot fathom. Let’s go right down the line, starting with the most burnt of the pack, Steven Tyler. When he opens his mouth, nothing he says makes the least bit of sense. I swear, I heard him say ‘strawberries’ out of nowhere while critiquing a performance. Last year, he was funny, but at this point, his words are simply small clusters of ideas slurred together into speech. Before Ryan cues the next judge to speak, he completely stops to make sure that Steven is completely done, because what he says isn’t consistent to how sentences should be formed. Next is Jennifer. Instead of talking about the performance, she talks about how beautiful the contestant’s dress is and how much she loves their voice. She doesn’t comment on the performance, and if she does, she sugarcoats it with a bubbly, ‘But I still love your voice.’ And lastly is Randy Jackson. First off, what is he wearing every week? Flowers and brooches and stripes and his watches…I don’t understand! What idiot tells him to wear these things? (his conscience, i know) Aside from looking like a clown, he talks like one too. Every episode. “Yo, dawg, yo, man, dude, listen dawg,” That’s all he has to say. Yo, dawg.  At what age is it appropriate to stop using those words? 18? 21? One out of the three judges can speak English. What a shame. And they don’t know what they’re saying. They don’t give constructive criticism, they’re bipolar with their flat critiques, and they just don’t make sense. I think Steven is just as much of an air-head as Paula. In fact, I would go to lengths to say that he is a recycled Paula Abdul. That shows how Idol has starting crumbling ever since Simon Cowell’s release. They are all such idiots. Idol…please replace your judges.

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Rage Segment #24: “Easy” by the Commdores Butchered on The Voice

First, listen to the original song that these two people butchered.

Chill, right? Well, listen to the Voice performance that kills the song.

Disgusting. My dad looked at me when it was over and barfed right on the TV. I’m just kidding. But he did look appalled, and he made strong comments about this atrocity. It is such a cool song! It would sound better if you gave it to Kidz Bop! They should have eliminated them both, not just the guy. It’s not Adam’s fault, I’m not angry at anyone in particular. But this just sounded terrible. It was nothing like the original. It was slaughtered before it was butchered! My gosh! That’s all I have to say. But, I want to know, do you agree with me? Was this performance terrible? Let me know in the comments.

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Rage Segment #23: People who Take an Hour infront of a Redbox

Redbox is a red box in which movies are rented from. They are found everywhere. In grocery stores, at gas stations, everywhere. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a Redbox in Kansas. (because nothing’s in Kansas) So, in order to rent a movie from the Redbox machine, you have to select the movie and go through what is designed to be a quick process. Swipe your credit card, punch in your zip code, and vwala! The movie is ejected to you for your viewing pleasure. Now, many Redboxes are in crowded supermarkets…and so many people want to use them…but there are idiots who clog up the lines picking a movie. What? You wake up and say, “Hey! I want to go rent a movie!” No! No one does that! They have an idea of what movie they want! You ignorant slugs! Pick a damn movie! How difficult could it be?! There are people behind you! Pick whatever the hell you want! If you’re not sure, check BEFORE you go. Redbox has a website which is right here for you idiots who don’t have any idea what’s out for rental before you go to a Redbox. My gosh! Who cares if you get Ides of March or Real Steel? It’s $1.25, you’re not deciding whether you should put down your dog. Pick a movie! I get that if you’re the only one, you could take your time. If I see that there’s no one behind me, I take my time browsing. But I’m not an idiot who stands there gazing at the touch screen for an hour. How difficult can it be?  People, don’t be a jerk and stand infront of a Redbox for an hour. Pick a movie and leave. There are people who actually know what a good movie is waiting on line. Knowing what most people like nowadays, you’re probably going to rent Piranha anyways.

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Rage Segment #22: Rachel Ray’s Voice

Please don’t watch the whole video. I am personally unable to watch the whole thing because that voice irritates me to the point of not being able to sit through it.

I don’t even know what the video was about, to be honest. I couldn’t watch the whole thing. I just posted that video so you could know who I was raging about. The last voice I raged about was Batman’s grumbly voice…now it’s Rachel Ray’s. Her nasally voice is unbearable. I honestly cannot watch her for more than ten seconds because it has some quality to it that makes me want to rip my hair out. My Gosh! Unplug your nose! Is somebody pinching it behind the camera? Do you do it on purpose? It’s so annoying! Are you married? Well, I feel terribly sorry for your husband, who has to hear that voice every day and night. “Honey, I made pasta.” “SHUTUP, I’LL EAT IT!” That’s probably what her nights are like.  Miley Cyrus’s nasally voice is a worm compared to this “voice.” It’s got a terrible vibrationy nasal canal kind of sound. She should cook in sign language. That would make me much happier. Does she swig a bottle of olive-oil before she speaks, and then shoot it back up her nose? It sounds like it. Rachel, please, I have one request. Stop talking.

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Rage Segment #21: Occupy Protesters

“The Occupy guys are like Christmas lights: Half of them don’t work, and the ones that do aren’t so bright.” – Person who’s name I won’t mention.

This quote inspired me to rage about these hippies. This is my first Rage Segment on anything political, so wish me luck. So, for those who either don’t care or don’t watch the news at all, the Occupy protests are people protesting at public locations, complaining about the economy, the rich getting richer, poor getting poorer, unnecessary high salaries, etc. These people bother me to a huge degree. You idiots. Get a job. Try to make a living. Protesting can only cause violence when it develops. One peaceful group will split into 100 violent groups. 100 violent groups turn into 1000 potentially destructive groups. You know that there’s going to be some guy who takes things too far and rallies the whole group to break into a Victoria’s Secret or Gamestop or something. Have you people not have anything more productive to do? Fill out a job application. Go to an emotional counselor. Go watch some television. What is protesting going to do for you? You protesters are a minority. You are simply a small part of the country protesting openly. What you’re doing is Mickey Mouse leveled, and all you are accomplishing is getting a suntan from being outside for so long. Protesting is going to bring change to this nation? Psh. Get over yourselves and realize that the world doesn’t revolve around you. This quote is very true. Get to work. Try to make a living. Have some faith, get your head straight, and get back to filling out applications. Your protesting won’t change anything, and it’s taking out valuable space on the news. Not happy? Get out of the country. Leave. Nobody will miss you. I don’t want to see you guys every time I drive by City Hall, the Rec. Center, or on the street. Look at the real patriots who did things for this country, and look at the things you’re doing. Embarrassing, isn’t it? Get over your fantasy and go get a job. Don’t want one? Then leave the country and leave them to someone who’s actually trying to feed a family and make a living a way that makes sense.

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Rage Segment #20: “Did you cut your Hair?”

It really bothers me when I get a haircut, and then have someone ask me, “Did you cut your hair?” No crap I cut my hair! What, did my hair grow shorter? Geez! Some idiots these days. I get a haircut and suddenly, people ask, in full awe and speculation: Did you cut your hair? Obviously! That’s probably the stupidest of the stupid questions that exist in this world. If my hair is visibly shorter, I obviously cut my hair. Yeah, I guess I’d get that question is my hair was poofy, but I gel my hair every day, and when the spiked part in the front is shorter than the day before, I CUT MY HAIR! What do you think happened?  My hair caught on fire? It disappeared? It was swimming and it got shorter for some reason? Think before you ask that question! If you’re an idiot and you still feel compelled to ask about your friend’s hair, ask in the form of a statement, such as: I like your haircut. They will either reply thanks or ‘I didn’t get a haircut.’ Trust me, it sounds better than being an idiot and asking if someone got a haircut. No crap I got a haircut! Think before you ask, people. Don’t be a fool.

(I wonder if someone asked him if he got a haircut)

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Rage Segment # 19: Teens who Think it’s Cool to Skip Breakfast

I can’t tell you how many kids I know who don’t eat breakfast. Guys…breakfast is the most important meal of the day! That’s why it’s called breakfast! If you don’t eat it, you’ll BREAK-FAST (that’s not actually why it’s called breakfast, i know. It’s called breakfast because you’re breaking your “fast.” I just remember the BREAK-FAST thing from kindergarten.) Anyways, why don’t you eat breakfast? If you don’t eat, you feel tired and groggy, and you aren’t energized. Some people don’t eat it so they could lose weight, when in fact, it makes you GAIN weight. When your body recognizes that you skip eating in the morning, it will store up everything else you eat as fat, because it knows you won’t eat. Many kids I know who are on the heavier side (fat) don’t eat breakfast. Some people don’t eat it because they “don’t have time in the morning” (lazy) Get up at six, take a shower, put on some clothes, and eat some breakfast! Why is it something you can’t do? I get that sometimes we wake up late and we have to rush to school, but at least take a granola bar or something! Use your head! What pleasure do you get by not eating breakfast? Put yourself some cereal at least. Now, I’m not saying you’ll get obese by not eating breakfast. I have some friends who skip the eating in the morning who are very light. I’m just trying to say that it’s healthy. It’s like your fuel for the day. Kids, it doesn’t make you look cool, and neither does sagging, skinny jeans, or flat-caps. Get with the program and starting eating breakfast. What, you suddenly have swag because you don’t eat your Lucky Charms in the morning? I don’t think so. Eat breakfast, kids. Stop being in denial and consume food in the morning. When you put it that way, breakfast doesn’t sound so bad, does it? Consuming food in the morning. Yummy. Stop reading this if you are a kid who skips breakfast, and have cereal to make up for your lost meal. I’m sorry that it takes away from your time texting or updating your status. I really am.

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Rage Segment # 18: Arrow to the Knee

For those who haven’t looked at a video’s comments in the past few months, or for those few foreigners who don’t have a computer,  ‘arrow to the knee’ is the new favorite Internet Meme. It originates from the popular RPG game, Skyrim.

Yes, something so small develops into something so big. What people do is take the topic of the video (dancing monkeys, for this example) and add the term how they see fit. For example: I used to dance with monkeys, but then I took an arrow to the knee. Now, imagine comments like this on every Youtube video, all over the comments. Let me tell you, it’s way over the top. When I read comments, I want to hear what people think of the video. I don’t want to hear about some stupid arrow to the knee. People, shut up! Let me read the comments in peace! What pleasure does it give you internet trolls to litter the comments with your unprogressive internet meme?! Why are comments not being used for actually commenting on the video?! My gosh! I used to be obese, but then I took and arrow to the knee. I used to have my finger bitten by Charlie, but then I took an arrow to the knee. It’s really starting to bother me. Please, if you are an arrow to the knee junkie…stop. I don’t want to hear any more of your garbage. Thankfully, I haven’t gotten any arrow to the knee comments yet, but I have a strong feeling that someone reading this Rage Segment is going to be a wise guy and post an arrow to the knee joke. People, stop with your arrow to the knee trash. Comment on a video’s content, or don’t comment on it at all. These meme is spreading farther than the BP oil spill. It has to stop.

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Rage Segment #17: The Tape-Masked Bandits of Contraband

No, Contraband is not a weight loss product or a political party. It is this movie. Please watch the trailer so you could comprehend the movie I am raging about. Think you don’t need to because you’ve seen the commercial? Don’t be naive. Watch the trailer. Are you a lazy potato? No worries. Skip to 1: 58 to see what I will be raging about.

I have been working hard to find out if this tape-mask thing has some sort of significance to the plot. Maybe there are bandits at the large using tape, so these guys are posing as them. Or, they are some kind of tape clan. Nope. I’ve been reading review after review looking for an explanation, as well as Googling like crazy, and there is no significance. The tape is their mask just because. What the hell? Tape! That’s so stupid! How the hell will they take it off? “Randy! Randy help! Ah, crap. It’s ripping my beard!” “Hold still!” *rip* “AHHHH!!!!” Two minutes later, the cops are on scene because of the yelling. Plus, say they dispose of the tape…it’ll be a magnet to forensic teams. Hair will be left behind, as well as saliva. That’s the scientific reason why this is dim-witted. Now, let’s talk about why this is stupid without any reasoning. Remember the infamous Joker robbery scene in the Dark Knight? It makes sense that the men wear clown masks. It’s the Joker! In the Town, the robbers wore nun, skeleton, and ski masks…they didn’t look like fools, so it’s ok. Now, tape masks, however…what the hell? That’s all I could say. What happened to the classic ski mask? Why tape? It’ll be a pain to take off, it’ll be a pain to put on, and it will intimidate a 5-year old at best. I am considering going to see this movie just so I could laugh every time they put tape on their faces. Maybe these men want to wax their faces after their done with the job so they can’t be identified…nah, that’s stupid….but NOT AS STUPID AS THIS WHOLE TAPE CONCEPT. What is Hollywood thinking? Have they run out of ideas? I assume so…this is a disgrace to humanity. Anybody who sees this movie obviously hasn’t observed the tape masks. *face palm* What do you think of this mockery? Let me know in the comments.

*Note: I saw Contraband after I made this Rage Segment. It turns out that the tape-face thing was for no more than five minutes, and was carried out by goons.*

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Rage Segment #16: French-Fry Cup Holder

The following is what I am raging about. It would help to observe the picture, so you aren’t confused as to what I am raging about.

Yep. A French fry holder. You put this in the cup-holder of your car. The purpose of this complicated piece of technology is to hold French Fries. I can’t believe that this is what the world has come to. At first, I thought that this was a foreign product, but sadly, I saw it at Pepboys. It’s on sale in the United States. There are three reasons why this product is a horribly stupid idea. First off, it makes us (Americans) look obese. Why shatter our image further than it already is? This thing is putting salt in the wound! Imagine if some Chinese guy visiting the Statue of Liberty sees a guy munching at fries while driving! He’ll go back to his house in China and tell everybody in Beijing how fat, hungry and grease-attracted Americans are! China would believe that this country is made of animals! We can’t have our reputation flattened and crushed! This product gives us a bad rep. The second reason we cannot have this product within our borders is because it will kill. Not because the nutritional value of fries. Fries are yummy. It will kill because drivers will be distracted. People nowadays have the attention span of squirrels. If there’s an accident on the side of the road, everybody has to slow down and stare like it’s their business. A tree has fallen and everyone must observe it. A text about how Bob broke up with Jill takes all attention away from the road. Imagine what fries will do! People will be munching on them when BAM! You hit a Prius and knock it off of the bridge you’re driving on. Safety is a hazard. The third and final reason is because it’s a waste of effort. Whatever random Chinese factory that’s manufacturing this product is wasting its materials, people, and time. I guarantee that nobody sees this product and actually purchases it. It can’t be selling well. Don’t buy a French fry holder. Don’t give the US a bad rep.

Rage Segment #15: In-N-Out Burger

For my non-Californian viewers, In and Out Burger is a fast food chain that is popular here. Not just popular…it is the so-called best place to go. The lines are always out the door, and everybody here worships the burger. Today, I’ll be raging about In and Out Burger because, in my opinion, it’s not that great! Everybody thinks it’s the best fast food burger (and some, best burger ever) to ever be made on this earth! They have a secret menu, where you could ask for special burgers not on the menu, and it’s really cool to everybody. I would take a Baconator or Chic Filet before In and Out, considering Fast Food. Some people act like it’s better than Fuddruckers or Red Robin! What angers me isn’t the burger. The burger is ok. What angers me is that everybody thinks that it’s the best thing in the world! There’s not one Californian who has told me that they dislike In and Out. I swear, they would pray to it if it were a religion. I remember how much buzz there was circling the burger. I was eager to try it. Once I took a bite, I took another look at the contents of the burger. There was nothing wrong with my order. It didn’t taste bad. It just tasted like a regular burger to me. There was nothing special about the meat or toppings. I honestly do not understand why everybody believes that In and Out is the best thing since the wheel. Open your eyes and go eat some Fuddruckers. Then come back to me and tell me that In and Out’s the best thing you’ve tasted. I dare you.

What do you think of In-N-Out? Let me know in the comments

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Rage Segment #14: Sagging

Just because I don’t agree with skinny jeans doesn’t mean I approve of sagging either. In fact, it’s just as bad. Why do you people sag? Don’t tell me it looks cool. It looks stupid, people look at you like you’re stupid, and it must feel stupid, with your pants at your ankles as you walk. We don’t want to see your boxers! Pull up your pants! Use a belt. You look 100% less educated. If you sag, you look like a punk, and not in a good way. Yeah, if you live in some hood in Brooklyn I guess it’s ok. It’s seen as being ‘tough’ and you have to seem tough if you want to survive in Brooklyn. But in California? Why is it that nobody can wear their pants correctly? Skinny jeans? NO. Sagging? NO. Just wear your jeans to your waist and go on with life. It doesn’t make you look cooler, I promise. I see you as being somebody who wants to LOOK cool, but you simply look foolish. The moral of this rage segment is: Don’t sag. It just looks foolish

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Rage Segment #13: The X-Factor Judges

Once again, I include a definition from dictionary. reference.com.

2. a person appointed to decide in any competition, contest, or matter at issue

Here is how Nicole ‘judged’: “Hey, I, can’t, I can’t make this decision please I can’t make this decision because I’ve been up there and I know how it feels and I love and adore both of you I have to go into deadlock, please.”

Here’s what I heard: “I can’t judge even though it’s my job and I’m going to have America break somebody’s hopes and dreams instead of me.”

This is the aftermath of Nicole’s decision.

I don’t know why it was black and white, grainy, or flipped, but you get the idea.

I personally enjoy the X-Factor, but there are three problems. The judges. WAIT! There are four judges! Yeah, but Simon doesn’t count. He’s not the issue. All of the judges can’t accept Simon’s honesty. Yes, his critism can be harsh, but it’s true. Simon is to the point, he doesn’t say things just to upset the judges, and he takes his job seriously. The other three judges, however, cannot say that Simon’s singers were perfect. I’m not saying they are, but  they always have to critize what he has his singer’s do…and the critism is pointless! It’s just to upset Simon. They don’t want to admit that he knows what he’s doing. Nicole keeps crying, Paula can’t be mean, and L.A. has to keep nit-picking at Simon’s performances! Simon is the only one that’s judging. The other judges are simply saying, “Good job. This was good.” They don’t say how they could improve unless they clearly bombed. Instead, they argue among themselves when they should be telling the contestant how to actually improve. To add to the horrible judging, the host is stiff as a board. All I hear is his serious voice announcing the rules, and pushing the judges to make a decision. Seacrest is loose, which makes him a much watchable host. Back to the judges. What Nicole did is a huge issue. I’m not upset that she sent the girl home, I’m upset that she couldn’t make a decision. It’s her job and she has to do it! Anyways, I think I’ve made my point. The judges have to get serious and stop their quarrels. Their arguments lead nowhere, and they aren’t helping the contestants. The X-Factor has to X out some judges…

That’s the best I could think of.

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Rage Segment #12: Canadian Bacon

I just finished eating some nice french toast with bacon, and I started thinking about Canadian Bacon. It was just then when I realized how stupid Canadian Bacon is. It’s not even bacon! It’s ham! Canadian Ham! Who the hell decided to call it bacon? According to dictionary.reference.com, because I’m too lazy to pick up a dictionary, bacon is defined as this:

The back and sides of the hog, salted and dried or smoked,usually sliced thin and fried for food.

Or, in other words, this:

Not this!

That’s ham! Why is it called bacon? I’d take bacon over ham any day. It’s so stupidly pointless that Canadian ”Bacon” is called bacon, because it’s not. That’s like calling Billy Mays’ Oxi-Clean Stain Remover Barack Obama’s Oxi-Clean Stain Remover. It just doesn’t make sense! I can see it happening in my head right now…Hello, eh. Hey, Marty, eh. We Canadians need a new eh national food. Eh. Hmmm. Everybody likes bacon, eh. We can get ham and eh call it Canadian bacon don’t you know eh? That’s probably what went down. Don’t support Canadian bacon. If you do like it, however, just don’t call it Canadian Bacon…call it ham, and remember what real bacon is.

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Rage Segment #11: Black Friday

Before I go any further, skip to 1:10 of this video.

This is what the world has come to. People are pepper spraying over Modern Warfare 3 and skinny jeans! I thought that this Black Friday was pretty enjoyable before it passed. There were some pretty hilarious commercials advertising the “ground-breaking” deals. I just laid back and enjoyed the hyperventilating mother and Rebecca Black parody. But then a day before black Friday, the news interviewed…people who were camping outside of Walmart?! That’s pushing it. People treat Black Friday as a holiday more than they do Christmas! Waiting on line for 6 hours? Camping out? Going at midnight? What’s wrong with you people? Are you really going to give up sleep, pride, and integrity just to buy that pair of jeans at half price? Saving money is important, but it doesn’t seem to me like going shopping on the busiest shopping day of the year is very smart. How desperate are you for a sale? Plus, people are getting trampled, pepper-sprayed, and pushed! What kind of country is this? Black Friday should be run by the United States Army for God’s sakes, along with Riot Patrols and the SWAT team! Walmart owners should be given tear gas to control the crowds. Black Friday isn’t your last opportunity to get a good deal, as if anything is really 90% off…Just don’t be one of those people who camp out for sales…it just doesn’t look good.

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Rage Segment #10: Batman’s Embarrassing Dark Knight Voice

For the people who live underground and haven’t seen the Dark Knight, here’s a quick sample of Christian Bale’s interpretation of what Batman should sound like.

That’s what Batman sounds like in the Dark Knight. I found it distracting and comedic. Why am I raging about this now? Well, after playing Arkham City, I realized that Batman doesn’t have to have a throat infection to sound intimidating. I loved the movie, and it’s a total Filet, but the voice wasn’t necessary! Can’t Batman talk like a human? Hrmmumah. Where is he…hmnmnh. The whole movie! Hmmummumrhah. It’s hilarious! Batman isn’t supposed to sound hilarious! He’s not supposed to have throat cancer! Somebody give him a cough drop! If Bale changes his voice impersonation of Batman in Dark Knight Rises, I won’t be criticizing of his changing character. It’s a necessary change, and nobody will blame him from switching from growling to talking. This is proof that Batman could sound like a human.

See! No grumbling, no hmmahmmumeh! Just normal speaking, and he could still be the crap out of guys! There’s no need for grumbling! Hopefully Dark Knight Rises doesn’t contain a hero with throat cancer.

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Rage Segment #9: Minis

Let’s get this straight. I’m not talking about the cars, the dogs, or midgets. I’m talking about mini versions of candies and chocolates. Halloween is a time for people to rot their teeth with sugar from a multitude of sweets. I love chocolate, and I love getting loaded with sweets after Halloween…but does it make sense making minis? Why-give me a good explanation-why do we need mini candy?! Think! We live in the United States for God’s sakes. Since when did we care about portion sizes?! What’s the point? If the whole brand goes mini, fine, but when you have the standard product, as well as the minis, what’s the point?! Funzise M&Ms. Are you kidding? Which kid considers small candy fun? Fun Size this, Fun Size that. Mini this, mini that. What kind of world do we live in? “Oh, we make mini candy because the portions are smaller, for smaller children.” Babies don’t eat candy, kids shouldn’t be having sugar, and that’s that! A 6 year old doesn’t care about his portions! All he wants is to stuff his face with sweets! That’s it! It’s like, at McDonald’s, when they ask, small, medium, or large, I’m not going to say small! Why would I say small? I want a meal. I want to enjoy myself. Minis! Why? Does anyone take minis over the whole bar? Another stupid idea popularized in the wrong country. Take this idea to Canada or something. We Americans don’t care about portions. (discluding most actors, actresses, and models. And Ryan Seacrest.) Don’t believe me? Pay us a visit and check out our local restaurants.

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Rage Segment #8: Curling

No, I am not raging about curling as in hair-styling or as in exercising. I’m talking about this.

For the love of all things manly…why is curling considered a sport? It’s in the Olympics! I cannot explain the pointlessness and blandness of the pointless, demoting sport. Play football! Basketball! Baseball! Hockey!  Track and Field! Lacrosse! Soccer! Rugby, if you live outside of the United States! Even tennis or water polo is acceptable, but that’s as far away from football as a guy is allowed to go. If you can’t settle for any of those real sports, do bowling, golf, or swimming….but curling? Look at what they’re doing! One guy is throwing the rock or whatever the heck that thing is. The other two people take brooms and scrub on the ice around the rock while skating down to the target. There are some other people at the target who may or may not be part of the team, also equipped with brooms. Ok, there may be a point to get the rock into the target, but what’s the excitement or competition? Where’s the pride? At least football involves something exciting…you know, actual athletic ability? Running, tackling, passing, blocking? In curling, the physical ability is skating down ice while sweeping around the rock. Some may argue that darts is the same, but at least darts is ENTERTAINING! Poking holes in your guest’s wall is classic, and seeing who has gotten lucky with the bulls-eyes is always fun. I wouldn’t have as much fun sweeping a rock with a broom. The moral of this story is that people should no participate in this mockery of a sport named curling. What’s next? Maybe players will mop the rock, not sweep it…oh the sheer disappointment.

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Rage Segment #7: Benadryl

Benadryl is a popular over-the-counter allergy medication. It’s name should be popular, as are the names Allegra and Tylenol. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, here’s a picture.

Look familiar? It should. Now, I get that some medicine doesn’t work. Some people’s bodies just don’t respond as well to medicines as others. The case is not the same for Benadryl. On the back, it says that it makes you drowsy. Whatever. If it makes you drowsy, take it at night…but Benadryl makes you beyond drowsy. It puts you to sleep! I wasn’t feeling well a few months ago, so I took Benadryl before I went to sleep. I was out like a baby. When I woke up, it hurt to open my eyes, and I couldn’t move my limbs. I COULD NOT move. I obviously have never drunk alcohol, so I don’t know what a hangover feels like, but if I had to guess, I would say that my experience was the closest anyone can get to simulating a hangover. I was sneezing and coughing, and I felt like crap, so I took this medication…and I fall asleep! That’s why they call this joke of a medication a ‘medication.’ It says Allergy Relief, and that’s because I’m sleeping! I can’t sneeze in my sleep, so I guess the medication technically works! It puts you to sleep in a heartbeat, it doesn’t relieve your allergies. You cannot open your eyes when you take Benadryl. The media is blaming these car crashes on teens texting or talking while driving. I think that it’s people who take Benadryl and are stupid enough to operate a car who cause these crashes. Michael Jackson’s death was supposedly caused by too much Propofol. He took Propofol to fall asleep at night. Mr. Jackson could possibly be with us today if he decided to use Benadryl. Eminem was deemed an addict because he took sleeping pills. He could have just taken Benadryl, and he wouldn’t be known for being an addict. My point is that Benadryl is a joke. All it does is knock you out. By saying that it relieves allergies is basically saying that it puts you to sleep so you don’t feel your allergies. When you wake up, you’ll feel like crap once again. Don’t use Benadryl. Use Tylenol. Benadryl could put an elephant to sleep.

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Rage Segment #6: Guys Who Wear Skinny Jeans

The following is a quote from the Most Interesting Man in the World, as deemed so by the Dos Equis Commercials

Fellas, leave the tight pants to the ladies. If I can count the coins in your pocket, you better use them to call a tailor.

I fully agree with this quote. Even before I saw this commercial, long before it even came out, I was disgraced by the fact that guys actually wear skinny jeans. Guys, you know who you are. The guys who wear skinny jeans are probably scrambling for a reason why they are entitled to do so. The truth is, THERE IS NONE. Do you know why women wear skinny jeans? Because it looks good on them. They actually have legs to show off. Us men don’t have attractive legs to show off, and so we wear shorts, pants, jeans, etc. You get my point. The jeans are for women! Not men! Women! Guys…think…if men start wearing skinny jeans, eventually the girls will find another thing to wear…do you really want the days of women wearing skinny jeans to be only an obscure past? No? Then put on some new pants. See what I did there? First, I came up with a logical explanation. Then, I came up with an explanation for the guys who don’t see reason. It sounds like I have just given a political speech! I feel proud of myself. I have no further explaining to do. The moral of this rage segment is that guys should not wear skinny jeans. One day, some popular guy decided to wear skinny jeans, and so all of his friends started wearing it, and then it became a trend. This would have never had happened if that one kid had not done this. (and I bet he lives in California.) Anyways, guys, stop wearing skinny jeans. It makes all other men shake their head in shame.

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Rage Segment #5: Criss Angel Doing Popcorn Commercials

Before I start raging, here’s the video for the people who live in caves and whatnot.

Now that you have watched it, I can rage about it without feeling like I’m speaking Dutch or some other language that nobody cares to learn. This commercial angers me to a degree. Why? Criss Angel has made an elephant appear in the middle of New York. He has sawed a woman in half. He has walked on water. He’s levitated from one building to another. He has made milk come out of his nipple for God’s sakes! (No, I’m dead serious. It was on TV.) Anyways, he has gone from being a successful magician to a popcorn advertiser. I wouldn’t care if he was advertising popcorn along with his career, but right now, he has none! I haven’t seen him perform a trick in a year! And now he wants to advertise a pop-up bag? Are you kidding me? The pop-up bowl or whatever people call it isn’t even enough for a person’s stomach! Orville Redenbacher has to realize that people in this country don’t want small portions, we want an amount that can actually fill us up! I’m not here to rage about dietary habits of the United States population, however. I am here to rage about how Criss Angel is doing these horrible commercials! Why? Why would he do this? Money? (He’s probably stinkin rich) Fame? (He has cut a girl in half, he’s already famous) I have no clue! And, to make this even worse, it basically airs every Wednesday on America’s Got Talent. A lot of people watch that show, and every week, Criss is shown throwing popcorn into his mouth like an elementary school child. His career has gone from amazing illusions to popcorn commercials. Don’t get me wrong, I like that popcorn, but the pop up bowl thing is pointless in my eyes. If you want to advertise a product, advertise a GOOD one. I am not much of a Criss Angel fan to begin with, and I know that everything he does is fake, but he was a good magician. Now, he’s working out his lisp on a popcorn commercial that makes me groan and think, Why, Criss, why? every time I see it. The lesson learned? Criss is not meant to be doing popcorn commercials. He better cancel his deal with Mr. Orville, because it’s only bringing him frowns and sighs. Oh Criss…can’t you just make this commercial disappear?

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Rage Segment #4: Peas in my Pasta

I am not picky. Everyone in my family can cook, and so I’ve tried a lot of things. As you can tell, I’m a big fan of meat, but I also like pasta, pizza, burgers, everything! The only things I don’t eat are salads. Also, I’m not a big fan of sandwiches. Double whammy, I know. Also, some may claim that I’m not a big fruit and vegetable eater, but I do like tomatoes, grapes, apples, oranges, clementines, and watermelon. Basically, my point is, I’m not going to grimace at parsley in my pasta. I’m not picky. I’m open to eating anything, but there’s one thing I cannot stand in my pasta. That thing is peas. Put chicken, diced tomatoes, mushrooms, broccoli, spinach, anything in my pasta, but not peas. The taste is sweetly sickening, and it totally absorbs the flavor of the cheese and meat and pasta and butter. Not even salt can cover up the taste. Salt covers up everything! The best bowl of pasta in the world can be served and ruined in one second by putting peas in it. Peas! I cannot stand peas. Why add peas to your pasta? That’s nuts anyways. There are other ways to get nutrition from pasta, but why from peas? I’m cool with odd combos. Ranch dressing instead if tomato sauce in pizza WORKS. Bagel with peanut butter WORKS! Pasta with peas DOESN’T WORK! Why did someone come up with this? You might as well put mustard on a steak. It angers me that people do this to pasta. For all of you people who like it, eat something else. Peas are good with soups and stews and beef and rice, NOT pasta. Peas have had the domination for way too long with food. The moral of this rage segment? Peas should not be put on pasta. Why does this bother me? Not only is it wrong, but if peas are put on pasta, I won’t eat it. I love eating it, no matter what ‘it’ is. I like eating, and when I can’t eat potentially good pasta, I get angry. I hope people get over the habit of putting peas in pasta. It truly sickens me.

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Rage Segment #3: The Protectors of Peace Being Not So Protective

I was at Raging Waters recently. (a very popular water park. I’m sure that at least one person viewing this doesn’t get out much.) Of course, there were a bunch of security guys checking the bags. Good for them. Somebody sick WOULD bring a gun to a water park. Crazy killings and plots are common nowadays. I respect these men for holding the peace…but that’s until they grab my beach bag. They took it without looking at it, patted it lightly, and gave it back to me without a second glance! Oh, and he wasn’t distracted. We were there early, and so I was the only one to focus on! He took the bag, gave it a polite squish, and gave it back! Any crazy person could have hidden anything in those towels! Anyone could have brought in snacks, too. (Raging Waters does not allow snacks. Why? Bottles of water are over 3 dollars.) I’m not expecting a full metal-detector airport/ president speech security procedure, but I expect A procedure.This isn’t the first time security personnel isn’t reliable. As you all know from the news, security personnel at major airports are doing thorough pat-downs, which the women are unhappy about. (which I find very dim-witted) Ever since September 11, 2001, security has been heightened…or so we thought. On January, 2011, I took a trip from LAX airport to JFK airports…two of the biggest and most well known airports around…and I didn’t have one guy pat me down. Before you people start calling me names, let me rephrase that: Security precaution pat-downs weren’t done in two of the USA’s most major airports. That’s what I mean. What kind of security is that? Clearly, metal-detector machines and X-Ray machines aren’t enough to keep flights safe. Pat-downs can save lives, and yet some people don’t do it, possibly because some women are embarrassed and offended! Ladies! Would you rather be uncomfortable for a second or lose your life? You choose, and pick the answer you know is right. Sometimes, you see security personnel cracking jokes and having conversations with each other, which makes me question their attentiveness and credibility. I cannot stand seeing people with badges lounging. You may say that security is great nowadays, but you’d be WRONG. As long as terrorists and criminals get onto our planes and trains and buses and boats and vehicles, blowing up buildings and planes, we need better security. Proof? Bombs and weapons and criminals are getting onto our planes, and that’s mostly because of careless security staff. Yesterday on the news, I saw a night-club guard take an 100 dollar bribe to get some people in quicker. I haven’t been thoroughly checked at the airport, or even looked at twice! Nobody has! I don’t know if these no name Kansas airports in the middle of nowhere is tightening security, but LA and New York aren’t! It upsets me that careless, unreliable people are given the job of ensuring safety of others. Things can go wrong with machines, but not with a human’s hands. Pat-downs should be everywhere, as well as thorough bag checks, machines, metal detectors, and anything to 100% ensure the safety on national and international flights. I just shake my head at the sight of goofballs laughing together while “checking my bag.” Cops, security personnel, and all of you other peace-keepers, thank you for keeping the peace. Cops and everyone else who is similar, thank you, but some of you security people give everyone else who works within your profession a bad name. Stop lounging, rummage through my bag, and be aggressive about it. Stop taking security lightly. Keep the peace, and try to have some decency doing it.

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Rage Segment #2: People Who Don’t Understand the Purpose of a Crosswalk

I was in LA just recently, where I went to a Dodgers game and caught Cowboys and Aliens. (Which I have reviewed.) As most people know, California traffic is the worst traffic in the nation. As if traffic wasn’t bad enough, guess what else exists as a detour? PEOPLE WHO DON’T KNOW HOW TO CROSS THE STREET! It’s bad enough that guys holding hands stroll down the crosswalk, but now they do it SLOWLY? The glowing blue man says WALK. Not WALK IN SLOW MOTION. There’s a TIMER next to the blue man, counting down from 10, so you KNOW you have to hurry it up, or else you’ll get run over. But no, they think that everyone will yield to pedestrians. Nope, I’d run you right over. I have a place to be, and I don’t need to be slowed down by people texting, or people having a party with their friends, or slapping highfives in the middle of the street. If you’re elderly and have a wheelchair or a cane or whatever, I understand. You don’t have a nitro button for you to cross the street. I can tolerate the elderly crossing because they can’t help their speed…but as for a house-mom with a stroller…if you see that there’s five seconds left on the counter until the gridlock charges your way, don’t check on the baby, don’t take crap out of your bag, and don’t start playing with it until you’re on the sidewalk! Teens, don’t wait for your friends in the middle of the crosswalk so you could walk in herds. What annoys me the most are those idiots who want to cross the street who keep pressing the button to change the sign from the red stop hand to the blue walking man. It’s not just going to change right in the middle of traffic! You don’t own the street! I see their faces going red and mouthing curses at the pole. The pole isn’t defective, you are! If you see that there’s a car already speeding over the crosswalk, don’t try to run infront of it. If the guy is half as crazy as the Californian community, he’ll run you over! When you cross the street, I’d appreciate it if you’re more focused on crossing than on your phone or food. The night I got out of seeing Cowboys and Aliens (which I have already reviewed. Did I already say that?) I saw a guy holding a bag of apple slices. This guy was eating them menacingly, moving with a look on his face that said, “Look at me, and these apple slices will be your bones.” He took all day to cross the street with his whole death stare and gangster walk. Though it was the funniest thing I’ve seen in a while, it was ANNOYING! Bottom line: If you are crossing the street, at least make an effort to show some type of haste. Though you only delay someone about 20 second of their life, imagine if everyone did that. That would make trips significantly longer. For you thick skulled people who think you own the street, here are some pictures I posted that I hope will help you understand the process of crossing the street.

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Rage Segment #1: Target Pharmacy

You know how the Joker is just laughing? All the time? Like, at your face? When he was getting pummeled by Batman in the Dark Knight, he was laughing. Well, try dealing with someone like that when you’re trying to be serious. You see, I have asthma. For you people who don’t know what it is (and who have to read more) it’s a disorder of respiration, displayed by wheezing, difficulty of breathing, etc. My asthma is triggered by exercise and allergies, and so I never know when I’m going to need my inhaler. (The thing which every nerd is shown as having in television and movies, which is a stereotype.) Well, here’s the problem. Every time I get my inhaler, it comes out properly for the first, say, ten times. Then, it comes out slowly and softly, like it’s empty. So, we bring it to Target Pharmacy, and they say, “It’s empty.” EMPTY! These inhalers have 200 puffs. Are you telling me it’s empty? Anyways, though they didn’t believe that I used it five times, they gave me a new one at now charge. Well, imagine that situation every time. Five puffs and the thing was useless. That’s not what angers me. Listen to this. We went to our local Target Pharmacy and asked if we could switch to a new manufacturer, because the one making my inhaler must be confused. The man said, “Sure, but I can’t give you a replacement without you paying.” Are you serious? Dude, the inhaler isn’t working! I might as well try getting albuterol out of a shoe! Give me a new one for the five puffs that will hold me over if I’m dying! “It’s the manufacturers issue, not ours. Give them a call.” Dude, I know, but this is a RESCUE inhaler. If I don’t have one, I’m screwed! Well, after an hour at a Target Pharmacy in a different location, we walked out with a paid for inhaler from a new manufacturer. I am not going there anymore for medicine. I’ll be switching pharmacies very soon. Never going back there again. Now I understand the Target logo. The target is aimed at out wallets.

Rage Subject #2: