In honor of April Fools’ Day, Robert and I felt like treating ourselves to what is perhaps one of the greatest albums of our time: Hannah Montana (self-titled).
In green is my opinion. I think Hannah Montana is an artist who should be regarded among figures such as Neil Armstrong and George Washington in terms of sheer impact on the world. It would be an honor to offer my opinions on Hannah Montana’s first album.
In blue is my cousin Robert’s opinion. As he sees it, Hannah Montana used to be a positive Disney star who many young girls fell in love with, but he ultimately feels that she messed up her life.
Let’s start our track-by-track review!
The Best of Both Worlds
Wow! If there is any song that gets my heart pumping, it’s this one! The Best of Both Worlds combines a complex dance beat with Hannah Montana’s dynamic vocals to create an epic anthem detailing the high-octane, drug-infused, adventure-riddled life of a rockstar. What a song! I work out to this s***.
Oh yeah, you gotta love catchy theme songs! In this song you really do get the best of both worlds: great lyrics and a catchy beat! What more could you want from the opening track of an album?
The opening guitar riff of Who Said is clearly an homage to Pearl Jam, as it oozes hardcore grunge. The attitude with which Hannah Montana sings about her invincibility is inspiring. Through this artful song, she singlehandedly convinces me that I can jump off of a bridge into concrete and come out unscathed.
Who Said is a great song if you are the type of person who does not give a crap about what people think of you. It is a great song to motivate Hannah’s listeners by making them feel like they can do anything!
Just Like You
Just Like You progresses in an epic manner, erupting from an elaborate guitar riff into poetic verses that deal with the inevitability of mortality. Just Like You may be the new Stairway to Heaven. Robert Plant’s vocal range is undoubtedly impressive, but Hannah Montana’s tone is simply angelic. This is truly a transcendentalist piece of art.
Hannah Montana, you lie. You are nothing like me. You do not have to work 50 hours a week at your dad’s donut shop or worry about getting a college education. You had it so easy because you became a Disney star. Unlike you I actually have to earn my money by doing hard labor! Yeah, that’s great you got everything you dreamed of, but you do not need to sing about it to make me feel like trash.
Pumpin’ Up the Party
Who’s got the funk? HANNAH MONTANA’S GOT THE FUNK! Where was this song in the 70s? John Travolta could have oonced to this song in Saturday Night Fever! Leave it to Hannah Montana to craft such a delightful throwback to a time of golden music. Bravo!
This song just makes you want to get up and dance! Gosh, I remember blasting this song in the house and just dancing until I could not dance anymore! You must blast this song at the highest volume whenever you listen to it for maximum awesomeness!
If We Were a Movie
Because I share a spirit animal with Hannah Montana (a hippopotamus, for those who are wondering), I feel the sadness that she conveys through this song. If We Were a Movie is an emotional trip for me. My cheeks are wet with salty tears. What a moving piece. Celine Dion should do a duet with Hannah so the song can evoke peak emotion.
Comparing relationships to movies? Yeah, I guess that works in a strange way. Basically this is just your average relationship song with a cute charm to it.
I Got Nerve
This song convinces me that Hannah Montana could beat me up with her hands tied behind her back. With a swift kick to the rib cage, she could incapacitate me. Or she could rip out my jugular Rick Grimes-style with her screwed up, shark-like chompers. Hey, to quote Hannah, “nobody’s perfect,” so don’t judge me for judging her.
As a kid, I always thought this song was catchy and fun. Now that I am older and can understand lyrics, this song really gets deep into my soul. As for the song title, yes, Hannah really has a lot of nerve in the present day.
The Other Side of Me
This song is an unpredictable feat. The Other Side of Me flows from the verses to the chorus to the bridge so abruptly I get whiplash at every choppy transition. I appreciate the bold flavor the song possesses. Thank you, Hannah, for breaking barriers. Too many artists nowadays are putting effort into making songs that flow well. You showed them that their efforts are pointless!
The other side of you? I am pretty sure the world has had enough of your other side and wish it would go away. Do us a favor and bury your other side. Bring back the good side that many fell in love with.
This Is the Life
This is garbage. What was Hannah thinking? She should have stuck to her Southern (albeit likely racist) roots. Weakest track on the album by far. This Is the Life should have been omitted from the record.
Oh yes, I remember jamming to this song as a young kid when the show first came out! This song is perfect for almost any occasion, as it is very uplifting.
Pop Princess (The Click Five)
WHO THE HELL IS THE CLICK FIVE? I purchased the deluxe vinyl version of this album so I could listen to HANNAH MONTANA! Instead, I’m listening to a My Chemical Romance cover band! Come back, Hannah!
Wait, this is not Hannah Montana singing! Oh well. Pop Princess is still very catchy and sounds like a pop hit you would hear on the radio. Honestly, this is one song I would not be ashamed of having on my iPod. It reminds me of the 2000s pop/alternative craze that was very popular and still kinda is.
She’s No You (Jesse McCartney)
I think it’s really cool how Hannah Montana got Paul McCartney to guest on her soundtrack. He still sounds great considering his old age.
Oh look, it’s a Justin Bieber-like singer, except he actually doesn’t sound too bad! Jesse is your typical young guy artist that girls of all ages always adore and fall in love with. Once again, we get another catchy pop song that ultimately became a fad. It has that early 2000s feel to it.
Find Yourself in You (Everlife)
This Everlife group is trying way too hard to emulate Hannah Montana. Sure, Phillip Phillips got famous for literally impersonating Dave Matthews, but copying a successful artist rarely helps a new artist to rise to stardom. Everlife is just jealous of Hannah. They should erase themselves from this album out of respect.
The guitar intro got me hooked on the song right away. I like these vocals a lot more than Montana’s. Find Yourself In You has a nice alternative vibe to it, which allows it to appeal to a wider audience. This is another song I would not be ashamed of having on my iPod. I would actually blast this song in my car.
Shining Star (B5)
Oh, I’m sorry, did I misread the title of the album? No. No, I didn’t. It still says Hannah Montana on it. Why, then, is Jay-Z rapping on this track? Gosh.
Jesus, what is this, a cheap rip off of 70’s disco music that our parents grew up with? Oh man, this is utter garbage. What a disgrace to retro disco/dance music. I would rather listen to rap than this abomination, and I really do not like rap. Stop trying to sound like Earth, Wind & Fire and never touch the 70’s vibe.
I Learned From You (Miley Cyrus and Billy Ray Cyrus)
Who the hell is this Miley Cyrus chick? She sounds like ass. The fact that she brings her brother on the track to sing with her is even worse, because he sounds just as bad. Miley needs a vocal coach or something.
We end the album with a nice father/daughter duet. This is actually a great father/daughter song, showing us that no matter how bad times can get, you will always love and appreciate everything your dad has done for you. Dads will always be there for their daughters no matter what happens. For all the daughters out there, enjoy every day with your father because when they become grandpas, you may regret not having those special moments anymore.
My Top 3
The Best of Both Worlds
Just Like You
If We Were a Movie
Robby’s Top 3
Find Yourself In You
The Best of Both Worlds
Hannah Montana the album is a definite Filet. It is a legendary record that deserves to be certified triple platinum. Hannah Montana is truly a genius in our time.
Happy April Fools’ Day, y’all!