Hello everyone! This is a bit of a mini-series I have decided to throw together. In it, I take a look at every perk since COD 4. But don’t leave yet because you know each one. This post is as unprofessional as I have ever gotten on this blog…and I like it. Whatever I think, I type. You may find yourself laughing or chuckling. If not, then this statement is cocky. But I think you will laugh, or at least wonder what is going on. PLUS! I have some challenges scattered around (2), and you’ll see what I mean when you read the post. So, I analyze the perks, not for efficiency, but to see if the idea carried onto the next CODs, what it evolved into, etc.
Without any further ado, here we go. COD 4, the game that started it all. When perks were announced, the idea was as foreign to the community as a Welsh man who sees a boat on a road. Did that make any sense? No, none at all, but I was just listening to some dubstep, and that slur of words just inspired me to spice up these posts more than an Indian chef spices his curry. A difficult feat, more difficult than doing algebraic and geometric equations after watching The Room. As I was saying, this was the first Call of Duty that included perks. Let’s take a look at them and take it one by one.
C4 x2– This perk supplied the player with two pretty squares of C4, neatly packaged to conveniently explode at the will of the user. As we know, C4 soon becomes accessible as equipment in later COD games.
RPG-7 x2– RPGs started off as perks! Now, they are available as secondary weapons. Honestly, though. These perk names for equipment aren’t creative at all. They should have named it the Al-Asad Yikbar class, or something along those lines. (whoever can translate that in the comments is a champion.)
Special Grenades x3– Stuns and flashes started off as perks as well! If a player didn’t have this equipped, they didn’t have special grenades. Are you starting to see a pattern with these perks from the first perk slot? They’re all equipment, not exactly attributes to the character. Let’s continue.
Claymore x2– What did Clay say to More? I have no idea, but here is another instance where equipment is available as a perk opposed to the traditional lethal and tactical items.
Frag x3– This is Frag-tastic! 3 frags to help exemplify how grenades started as perks. I would have named this perk: 3 balls. You know, as in baseball. Here’s where the equipment is put away and the perks that enhance the avatar begin.
Bomb Squad– While using it, enemy explosives have an icon hovering over them, so that you could avoid explosive death by evading the traps. This must be a Kenyan bomb squad, because bomb squads are supposed to defuse bombs, not run away from them.
Bandolier– This perk sounds like a handy contraption of the US colonization that helped overweight settlers shed some pounds. But, unfortunately, it is not. Bandolier is equivalent to the pro variation of Scavenger. It starts off the player with extra ammo.
That’s all for the first perk slot, which consisted of mostly equipment. Onto the second slot.
Juggernaut– Merry Christmas! Picture Santa Claus in a Juggernaut suit. Now that’s a thought. Juggernaut reduced damage, technically giving your character extra health. It also cancelled out Stopping Power, which I will explain soon.
Sleight of Hand– Harry Houdini ran this perk all the time. It allows the user to reload their weapons faster. This helped with LMG’s (Light Manly Gorillas) (no, not really. It actually stands for Light Manly Giraffes)
Sonic Boom– This perk was inspired by the breaking of the sound barrier by Alexander Hamilton, who also did the paperwork for the US financial department. It increased explosive damage. We now know it as Danger Close.
Stopping Power– This perk increased bullet damage by nearly half! NEWS FLASH! Stopping Power abbreviated backwards is PS. PS stands for Post-Note in 49 states, and Purely Noob in the other one.
Double Tap– No, this perk does not supply your character with two sink faucets. Instead, it increases your rate of fire. It soon develops into the Rapid Fire attachment.
UAV Jammer– (only those who have seen Spaceballs will get this joke) This perk jams the enemy radar, keeping you off of the map when they send out a UAV. Literally. They throw jam on the tracking device. This perk soon adapts into Ghost and Assassin.
Overkill– This perk gave the player two primary weapons, one of them replacing the secondary weapon. Despite what is promised, two of your favorite guns being available to you when you spawn, it has never really grown to be a fan favorite like one would anticipate.
And now…Perk slot 3. And here…we…go! Comment if you understand the reference.
Deep Impact– This perk enhances bullet damage after being fired through walls. If dead cow carcasses were included in COD 4, they could probably shoot through those too.
Extreme Conditioning– Usain Bolt uses this perk from time to time. It doubles the player’s sprint time.
Steady Aim– This perk is resented, and some of the perks that follow are as well. Who knew that inserting this perk into the game would create such hate later on? This allows the player to have more accuracy while firing from the hip.
Last Stand– This perk is hated more than Steady Aim. The player pulls out a pistol before dying, allowing them to kill their enemy before they bleed out. It is still hated, and for some reason, hasn’t been taken off the drawing board. It seems that gorillas are running Infinity Ward.
Martyrdom– Ah, Martyrdom…it has perhaps as much hate as Justin Bieber and Rebecca Black combined into one ugly, untalented being. When the player dies, they drop a grenade with its pin conveniently already pulled. The idea is that the grenade will avenge the player’s killer…the idea is repulsive, and thrives only as a death-streak in more recent CODs.
Iron Lungs– Iron lungs, things that are not obtained by modern pop singers, smokers, or modern pop singers. This allowed snipers to hold their breath for a longer period of time while aiming down sights. How a person cannot hold their breath for three seconds and not have an asthma attack without this perk, I still don’t understand.
Eavesdrop– This enabled the player to hear the other team’s voice chat. Considering the fact that 95% of COD players are trolls, 9-year olds, and ragers, this perk was a failure. Mix in the fact that people are tempted to burp, blast music, and sing into the mics, Eavesdrop is more like a penalty.
Dead Silence– This perk reduces the sound of your footsteps. This greatly effected the game. Since COD 4, there has been a tactic that is crudely named ‘sound whoring.’ This included listening hard in your headset for footsteps and whatnot. Hey, the community came up with it, not me.
And that’s all for Perk Up #1! Did you like it? Did this tone of writing work? What perks did you like/resent? #2 will be out soon. Hope you enjoyed it!