I’ve been thinking. I realized that I’ve been focusing on the wrong things in my life. I’ve been too caught up in things such as education and values. I realized that I need to start directing my attention to serious issues, such as the pending Zombie Apocalypse. I no longer care about money. When zombies spawn, money won’t have any value. Trade and survival necessities will become the new system of currency. But I have money. When the zombies come, I’m not simply going to burn the cash like some nut.
No offense…If I didn’t think you’d kill me for food, you’d be on my team…sorry Joker…
I’d put my money to good use. I’d spend it on a celebrity dream team to help survive the zombie apocalypse. Sure, I’d likely be able to buy a birthday clown at most, but let’s expand my budget for the sake of this post.
Before I discuss my team, know that I’ll be looking very closely at the comments as I always do. By following the survival chart above, pitch your celebrities to me. The best survival team as suggested in the comments will receive a shoutout in my next post.
Okay, so let us begin. The Leader. That would obviously be me. I’m paying for these guys, so I am the leader by default. But every leader needs the second-in-command. Even though I’ll have the most badass team ever assembled, I may wander off at night, thinking that I was safe, resulting in death by zombie bite. My celebrity team would be left in chaos, and so I’d need somebody with outstanding leadership skills to take over the roll as leader. That would be the Most Interesting Man in the World.
I would select him because his beard has experienced more than a lesser man’s entire body. Plus, his blood smells like cologne. It may have reviving qualities that can purify zombies and turn them into normal humans. Wait. This opens up more possibilities. My dream team can include people living or dead…This should be interesting.
The Brawler. This is somebody who can beat the brains out of any zombie who may come close enough to fight head-on. This would obviously be Samuel L. Jackson.
He would yell a Bible quote at every zombie that came at him, ask it to say what again, and then beat it down. He would then take the remains of the zombie and put it into burger form, stashing the burgers simply to keep a record of his zombie body count. This is a guy I want on my team.
Weapons Expert. This title would definitely go to Connor MacManus from The Boondock Saints. (right)
Despite his brother’s complaints, Conner brought rope. That “useless rope” ended up saving both of their lives.’ This guy is smart enough to know to pack rope. Conner MacManus would be my weapons expert. He would also conduct our nightly prayer sessions before we manned our stations to guard out safe house from zombies.
Supplies. Charlie Sheen would be my supply man. If he could get supplies as easily as he can get women, we’d never run out of anything.
Sure, the guy’s out of his mind, but even zombies get scared. This nut may scare them away, thus making him a zombie repellent as well. A 2 in 1, ladies and gentlemen. Beat that.
Craftsman. I had to find someone who was good at creating things. Who’s better at creating things than Chef Morimoto?
Iron Chef Masaharu Morimoto can cook with his eyes closed and his hands tied. I would be thrilled to see what he can create to take down these zombies. His plating alone would kill the zombies because it’s so tactful.
Brains. Because of the Most Interesting Man in the World’s ability to use his cologne-scented blood to resurrect those who have died, I would use this blood to raise up a certain man with brains worthy of being part of my team. I would choose Ronald Reagan as the brains of the group.
Politics wouldn’t matter in the zombie apocalypse, so I think that everybody would get along with Reagan. If we end up resurrecting Reagan and we got his older version, we’d have him narrate our battles and write speeches about us for the future rather than fight. His speech would be called: ‘I Have a Brain. One of the Few. The Proud.’ You know, because zombies don’t have brains? Get it? Ah forget it.
Medic. Dr. Gregory House would definitely be my medic.
This guy is a complete badass, and his wits and medical skills will keep all of us alive and well. He knows that it’s never lupus, he’s played dead like a champion, and he’ll have his Vicodin due to Charlie Sheen’s involvement on the team. I think they’ll get along quite well…
Car Guy. I decided that our car guy should be someone who knows cars, who loves cars, and who can drive cars. That would be Ferdinand Porsche.
He created the Porsche, if you couldn’t guess by his name. He died in ’51, but we can resurrect him easily. This guy is probably a speed-demon behind the wheel. We’ll shave that Hitler mustache of his and we’ll have our ideal car guy.
Mascot. We’re going to need some motivation to fight zombies. Sure, the urge to live and not have your brains eaten is a pretty strong motivation, but I feel that we need a mascot to represent us and who we are. That would be Liam Neeson for sure.
This guy represents our experience, badassery, and our sheer hardcore nature. Neeson is, of course, above being a mascot, but he can fight as well. He’ll just be the first guy who the zombies see. If they have any brains left in their head, they would retreat instantly.
Wonders What’s Happening. I’d choose Britney Spears for this role, because she is quite good at wondering what’s happening, but I want somebody who can actually contribute to the team. I decided that this role should go to Dave Matthews.
Dave’s talent is through the roof, but sometimes when he says things, it makes very minimal sense, and I sometimes think that he doesn’t know what’s going on. Plus, I’d have him on my team simply to ensure that good music survives the zombie apocalypse. I’ll allow Lady Gaga to go to the zombies.
First to Die. I am sure that many would like me to select Justin Beiber as the First to Die, but I have more decency that than. If I need to have a first to die, it has to be somebody who can actually contribute to the team. That would be Michael Bay.
He will set up a field of explosives to destroy a zombie swarm. Then, we will tie Bay to a chair and leave him for the zombies to keep them preoccupied. Congratulations, Bay. You made it to the team.
Bad Things Happen But Remain Alive. This would be Colonel Miles Quartich, the guy from Avatar who wanted to kill all of the Na’vi. I’ve seen this movie 100 times and I just learned this guy’s character’s name.
This guy had two arrows thrown into his body, and he survived multiple wounds during the final battle in Avatar. This guy couldn’t die, and I was nearly positive that he would survive because no matter what was done to him, he still lived. It’s kind of hilarious, actually. Sure, this guy has terrible morals, but he can kick some ass. And he’ll likely outlive the rest of the team.
Bites Zombies. Gary Busey.
What do I need to say about this? Look at his teeth and his face. He looks like a zombie too.
So that’s my zombie team. Leave your celebrity team in the comments below based on the chart above. The best team gets a shoutout in my next post!