A Hunger Games Between the 50 States: Who Would Win?

This question has popped up around the internet and I though that I would evaluate this situation. A Hunger Games across the US is taking place. Each state offers 2 tributes between 12-18 years old. They are chosen randomly. The arena is an unknown environment, and very large, due to the fact that 100 contestants would be fighting. My question to you is: Which state would reign victorious? Below is my prediction. Note: I am not an ignorant person. This was all in good fun.

Let’s look at the map. I’ll pick a select few states that are contenders, then we’ll go from there.

The contenders are Texas, Alaska, New York, New Jersey, Arizona, Pennsylvania. Did I leave out your state? That’s because it didn’t instantly enter my mind as a contender.

California and Hawaii are the first states to have their tributes die. Florida doesn’t have anyone between 12-18 years old, so they can’t even compete.

Everything is big in Texas. When Texans are babies, they are fed bottles of Barbecue sauce rather than bottles of milk. These Southerners are bred to be meat eaters from infancy. They eat meat daily, and so they won’t have trouble finding food. Human meat will suffice. Texas has some glowing survival skills…but they are topped by Alaska.

Alaskans have to deal with a barren tundra every day of their waking lives. Days go by without the sun coming out. The British think that they have it hard with the never ending rain, but Alaskans endure much more. Alaskan children must hunt their food, whereas Texans buy their meat at the supermarket. Caribou is a popular animal that is hunted in this frozen wasteland. Alaskan children also have the blood of Inuit, mixed with Russian ancestry. It’s hard to get more badass than that…

…but Arizona manages to pull it off. The hardcore lifestyle of the Arizonan people is mind boggling. At any time, you can get searched and questioned by law enforcement. Are you a citizen? Are you not a citizen? It’s like living in the Wild West. Children need to deal with Rock PAPER Scissors games daily, as they are all at risk of not being a citizen. These kids are bad to the bone. They also eat Cactus Cereal, made with real cactus, spikes and all.

Still, the Amish children of Pennsylvania are even more tough. They go through life without technology, and so they are used to living off of rocks and dirt. They are also experienced with horses, so if they are to find one in the arena, they could utilize it and slay people. They even have their own mafia, as displayed on the hit TV show “Amish Mafia.” These guys are tough as nails…which they need to create themselves.

The Amish cannot defeat New York, however. New Yorkers are a mixed bag, really. The government would draw either a tough kid from Harlem or a privileged son of a business man. Both are dangerous. New Yorkers are a tough breed, and especially after 9/11, they can take ANYTHING. They don’t take crap, and the kids aren’t any different in terms of their tolerance to trash-talk. I would be afraid to face a New Yorker in the Hunger Games…

…but not as scared as I would be of a New Jersian. Why? Because they don’t take any more crap than New Yorkers. New York is the heart of all city activity, but New Jersey is the rabid offspring and second branch of New York. We’ve gone wild, tans, hair gel and all. It’s official.

NEW JERSEY WOULD WIN THE US HUNGER GAMES. Disagree with me? Try me in the comments.



8 comments on “A Hunger Games Between the 50 States: Who Would Win?

  1. I don’t know. All the people I know that live in New Jersey are pretty spoiled. I don’t think they’d make it. 😛

    I’d actually have to go with Alaska. They’ve probably got the best chance of living off the land while in the arena.

    • SPOILED?! These California people have perfect weather. It’s in the 70’s and they complain about it being cold. The east coast has to deal with very seasonal conditions. Bitter autumns, cold winters, rainy springs, and humid summers. Add the bugs and no nonsense people and we have a great contender.

      Maybe I’m biased 😉

      • You are totally biased. 😛 But so am I. I have family in NJ, and they are super spoiled. I don’t mean with the weather though, but with the lifestyle. My family is incapable of roughing it like those of us who love in New York, haha. They’d totally lose the Hunger Games.

      • Sure, we don’t have Harlem, but we have Paterson. I never feared for my life until going there. I’m surprised I came back alive. If a kid from Paterson is drawn, it’s all over. Plus we were just hit by Sandy. We’ve been roughed up a bit recently.

    • Tristan, I love how politely you phrased your comment. Respect to Canada, but the kids won’t have the heart to kill. Instead they’ll blow a horn and offer safe refuge in a self-made campsite. Perhaps they could siphon syrup from trees, but that won’t be enough to survive. I appreciate the comment 🙂

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